Melusina’s Bastion

It’s been quite a while since my last post but those of you who know me will understand why. I will only pen my thoughts when they become too overwhelming for me to comprehend and absorb. I think of my blog as an extended "drive", for lack of a better word, where I pen my thoughts for others to read and to comment as and when they see fit. For this blog, I have something to share with all of you that is both emotionally unsettling and psychologically bizarre (not that I’m prone to such episodes).

It started about 5 nights ago. I was getting ready for bed and I was extremely exhausted with all the work, school, hobbies, what have you. I fell into an almost deep sleep and that’s when it happened.

I dreamt that I was having a barbeque by the beach at some exotic island with my sistas (yes darlings, even in dreams you lovelies are still there for me), my Variasi family (ooh….such panache and grandiose) and another guy whom I have never met before. But in my dream we were very close. It was almost I’ve known him all my life.

Anyway, we were all there having the time of our lives when this guy came out of nowhere and introduced himself to me. We started chatting and I found out that he was a local at the island. He saw me arrive that morning and he sensed something magical about me (creepy huh?). At that point, I could see his clothes (he was wearing a predominantly white polo shirt with blue stripes at the sleeves and he was wearing dark blue jeans) and I could see his smile and hear his voice (it was pleasantly deep and lyrical). But his countenance eluded my sight.

As we talked, we started moving away from the crowd and before we know it, I was resting my head on his shoulders and we were sitting in front of a fire. Romantic? Yes, but here is where it got scary. I was suddenly whisked to a place filled with people. Millions and millions of homo sapiens gathered around and I was frantically searching for the man. I called out his name and began looking all over the place.

After an eternity, I returned to the beach and chanced upon a crowd of people who were creating quite a commotion. My instincts told me to approach the crowd. At this point, I swear that I could hear myself telling me to wake, that this was a bad idea. But I had to see what the commotion was about. I made my way to the center of the group and each able-bodied person seemed determined to block my way.

When I reached the center, I saw the man I’ve been looking for. He was dead and there was an ethereal glow around him. I broke down as I hugged his cold, lifeless body and yet I could feel the warmth of his heart merging with mine. Even at the point, I still couldn’t see his face. All I heard and felt was the strong bereavement and grief. I felt that I had lost the love of my life and all I could do was to hold him in my arms as I continued to sob. At that point, I woke up and I started crying because that feeling of loss and grief was overwhelming. I didn’t know what it was but I continued crying for the next 15 minutes or so.

I consoled myself by saying that it was just a dream. I was wrong. For the last four nights, I’ve been having the same dream and it always ends in the same way; the death of my beloved. I had to take a leave of absence because it was getting to me. Whenever I am alone, I will succumb to those feelings of loneliness and grief. Images from that dream will fill my inner sight, causing me to break down.

Who is that man? Are we destined to be together? Even now, as I am writing this piece, I am still thinking of him. I can’t remember his face nor his name but I cannot forget what I felt for him. Such intense feelings of love and emotion. It was uplifting and surreal. It felt like a past life love affair. I dwelled upon the sadness and I remembered what it felt like when I was cradling his dead body. One’s a coincidence, two’s a pattern. But what if its five times? Is it fate then? And if I go to sleep tonight, will I have that same dream again? What does it mean?

I’ve always dreamed of loving a guy with as much force and emotion like the guy in my dream and I’ve always dreamed of meeting a guy I can connect with emotionally and intellectually. So far, all the guys I’ve met are either emotionally-stunted or cerebrally-impaired. But this guy in my dreams, he is literally a dream guy.

Passions spawn in sweet romance,

Unite the love of me and you.

Fates arise, create this chance,

To make a lover’s dream come true.

As I walked in, oops….sashayed into the admin office, I could feel a thousand pairs of eyes watching me (hmmm….egocentric….nope). It felt like I had been sentenced to death and everyone was anticipating the execution. As I proceeded to wait for my turn (my queue number was 8918 and the current number being served was 8705), I surveyed the milieu and you won’t believe the different kinds of beings in there. What shocked me to the very core of my cool queenly aura was the plethora of human dynamics and infantile-like behavior (those taking abnormal psychology can choose from this group of people for your research). Imagine these categories mingling all around you.

The first type was the inseparable couple. They looked as if Cupid had dipped his arrows in industrial-strength glue before shooting at them. Disgustingly embraced in an armlock that would be the envy of the classical couples, this type is oblivious to the world and those around them. They whisper sweet nothings in a voice meant to be heard by Malaysians and hold on to each other for dear life. All together now: cough, hack, retch!!! You are just going to pay your course fees, not to run off on a secret wedding at Barbados. All that lip-lock fiasco and hug-happy displays should be reserved for a more private ambience (read: your own bedroom).

The next type is the "I’m-so-straight-that-I-cannot-stand-to-mix-around-with-fags-and-queers" class. When a social queen bee struts in listening to music and generally does not tamper with the tranquility and privacy of others, no crime has been committed. This type take it upon themselves to engage in a diatribe with their own peers on the repercussions of being queer (Hello! Have you guys considered about the repercussions of gossiping?) within auditory proximity of the person in question (me). In case you guys have forgotten, queers are not stupid and we are born with the ability to hear just like you "normal" individuals. As I was switching between songs, I heard this conversation between two "refined-holier-than-thou" women:

Woman A: Oh my God! Look at the way that person is walking!

Woman B: He thinks this is some kind of runway. Eeee…..one of them lar….

Woman A: Aiyoh! That kind of people also got the brain to take degree course meh? I thought their brains are filled with nothing except for sex and sex.

Woman B: Of course lar. Maybe he’s here to pay for someone else or maybe he’s here just to pretend only. He will definitely leave. I didn’t even see him take a number. This people all pretenders.

Well, to the two ladies in the above-mentioned sub-plot, I paid for my own course and I definitely have something else in my brain other than sex. Whoever you are, be very ashamed when you read this (hopefully).

Then, there is the type who feels like sharing his success with his entire family and decides to bring them along. The worst part? These people insist that their family stay close to them. Meaning? The already small office becomes even more crowded with non-students. Seats become trophies and races are conducted every few minutes to see who can get the next available seat. It’s like an adult version of "Musical Chairs", except that these adults blatantly blame the other party except themselves for any injuries.

Have you ever seen the "I’m-so-divaesque-that-you-must-serve-me-even-if-my-number-had-passed" type? This type will take a queue number. They will walk to the LCD panel to compare the numbers with the queue number. If they see that the difference is great, they will leave, either to get a drink or just to spend the idle time away, as opposed to sitting and waiting. They take their time and then arrive after their number is called. With the airs of someone who had lost her precious dog (read: over-dramatics at its worst), he or she will plead or order the customer service officer to serve them. They are oblivious to the fact that their lateness is the cause of the problem and they think that the world owes them because they number was called before they could be ready.

The worst type is the boys, no, the men who come with…..get ready for this….their parents!!! Boys, this is not a National Service Enlistment point. As sweet and innocent as it seems, there is nothing more stomach-turning than to see a 24-year old MAN talking to his mother about his fear of flunking or that he’s worried about the syllabus. This does not even compare to the fact that they will grab the next available without even offering it to their parents. Boys, if you ever want to find a nice girl, detach yourself from your mother’s lace panties and be an adult. Girls don’t dig no momma’s boy.

You know what else? Apparently when degree students get together, all they can talk about is the fictitious exorbitant course fees and the fact that they had "to forego buying that Lexus just to pay for the fees". These people also seem to think that their course is the most difficult course there ever is. A typical conversation that I heard went like this:

Student A: What degree are you pursuing?

Student B: Oh…emm, Biomedical Engineering. This is my third year. How about you?

Student A: Oh mine is Psychology with Business and this is my third year too. Oh man, the exams and TMAs are so tough.

Student B: Tell me about it. I spent hours doing research to complete my TMAs and I still received low marks.

Student A: I know what you mean. I mean, we paid high course fees. Shouldn’t they take that into account? I mean, I had to forego my shopping for the last month just to cover my current course fees.

Student B: I know the feeling. I had to sacrifice my vacation to the Maldives too. It’s so frustrating. But it’s worth it to pursue such a interesting course.

You know…the kind of talk where each tries to outdo the other yet they both end up looking like idiots.

I know that you people are trying to earn your degree and want to carry your point across but bear in mind that you are in the tertiary service and need to be more tactful and professional. Or better yet, talk about other things.

As I went up to the counter and paid the fees, I wondered about the shallow and rigid mentality of these individuals who are supposed to be very intelligent and smart. Guess I was wrong.

We met six years ago at the checkpoint,

You were my colleague and I was a newbie.

Fate eluded our presence but sealed our destiny,

When I was attached to the checkpoint.

I began my journey as a civil servant,

Fulifilling my duties day in and day out.

I saw you everytime but nothing happened.

We exchanged pleasantries comfortably.

I observed your mannerisms and felt nothing.

2003 came and I was going to leave,

My term of service is up and I have to go.

I saw you on the last day and yet nothing happened.

All I felt was bereavement for my beloved work team.

We met again 3 months later.

Fate decreed that I gain employment there.

The same workplace, the same people….but

With different feelings attached.

I saw you in a different light….a loving light.

I saw your genteel character, your chivalrous persona.

I noticed your debonair and suave exterior,

Masking your sweet, romantic interior.

I looked forward to see you everyday.

I envisioned a thousand scenarios.

I envisioned our coupling, our rendezvous.

Under the moon, blanketed by the stars…

My vulnerable soul in your strong arms,

As we poured our feelings to one another,

Amidst the calming breezes and soothing atmosphere.

Then I had to leave my job.

But it was not only my job.

I had to leave you too.

Never to see you again.

Never to see you laugh.

Never to see your soul in your eyes.

Never to feel your charm.

Never to see you ever again.

4 years have passed.

The feelings still remain.

I still can’t let go.

I still miss you.

Everything about you.

Everything that you are and that you’re not.

I miss the touch of your arms.

I miss your strong resonance and

Silent masculinity.

Your sweet, genteel nature.

Why must it end this way?

Why can’t we be together?

I keep seeing your face,

In every guy I meet, every guy I see.

It is hard to forget you.

You belong to someone else and its killing me.

K, if you could only feel my heart tearing apart as I am typing this. If you can only see the tears flowing through my eyes and if you can only hear my soul screaming your name. If you can only see me right now as I peer through my bedroom window, just hoping and praying to catch a glimpse of your face even though you live far away. Why did I not love you when I first saw you? Why must it be a short while? Why must I start to love you just when I am about to lose you? Why must you be destined for someone else? Why can’t I be that someone you hold close to your heart when it rains? Why must I be the one standing in the rain with no one to ease my cold, bleeding heart? I loved you when I will lose you and I want to be with you when you are already attached. I love you but I can’t have you. I ache for you but you won’t be around to ease the pain. I miss you but you are not around to soothe the yearning. I never realized how much I missed you until I have lost you. Help me find a way to truly move on. Hear my grief in the winds. Feel my pain in the rain. The trees are whispering the bleeding secrets of my heart. The soil is drenched with my unstoppable tears. Sorrow found me cradled in the arms of Despair and Hope has left me vulnerable to Misery and Bereft. I was happy before but now joy is just a farce I project to the world and those around me so that they won’t be able to sense the turmoil. K…I miss you…

It all started in August when all the participants first gathered to sign up for the most memorable time of their lives. Amidst the sounds of laughing and chatter between friends, one could detect that tiny voice of apprehension. The voice that wondered if this was possible to achieve. Everyone was corralled and they were given instructions by the working committee. All the participants were subjugated under different sections headed by their own distinct leader.

            The training began in September. Everyone was determined to put on their best effort to prove their worth for the contingent. Well, almost everyone. The first sign of trouble was apparent through the attendance. Not everyone had turned up for the training. Attempts to reach them were to no avail. Those who came dove into the training with such fervor as though to compensate for those who were absent.

            Time goes by, turning days into weeks and weeks into months. Tempers flared as the leaders faced off with one another. Administrative matters got out of hand as those who were responsible failed to carry out their duties. The choreographers had just received reviews from PA stating that they needed to change the choreography as it was too bland. They had to change the choreography with only 2 months left. To top it all off, attendance was abysmal. Most of the regular participants still showed up. However, by then, the initial thrill of Chingay had been replaced with the monotony of training.

            With much going on, it wasn’t long before Lady February made an entrance, signaling the coming of the much anticipated parade. Training and rehearsals became more intense, with the choreographers doing their best to corral and coordinate the participants. Fatigue, lethargy and ennui became impervious to the participants as they reveled in one another’s companionship.

            24^th February saw the arrival of the Chingay parade. Months of rigorous training paid off as the participants gave everything during the parade. Their grandiose performance and high level energy were a testament to the hard work and dedication that they injected during training. The cheerleaders soared with their grace and dexterity. The flag dancers imbued energy with their sharp and deft movements. The motivators ignited excitement through their interaction. The percussionists injected passion with their music and the soccer players instilled ambrosial delight with their antics.

Although everyone started out different, they came together in a dynamic performance to celebrate the age old game of soccer. However, although the parade is over, the memories encapsulated within the hearts of every participant is paramount to the satisfaction that they gained and the friendships they have forged along the way. All those times when anger took the reins, it was replaced by something more sanguine; the team spirit and dedication projected by each and every participant to make the parade a success. The last 7 months were filled with sorrow and debacle but everyone gained something priceless: the promise of new and beautiful friendships.

I was browsing through my profile when I saw my previous entries and I decided to read them again. I was very surprised when I read my first entry. I didn’t know how repulsive I was towards love before. While I was reading it, I kept thinking how closed my heart had been before.

Now I am single again (I was never in a relationship for that matter, it was one of those ambiguous dalliance between friends). Even then, in those few months, I learned to love and care for that someone. Even though my feelings were unreciprocated, they will remain unchanged. To my sisters and cousin (Ashraf), don’t go on thinking that I’m still in love. I am just saying that the feelings will stay with me for always but I know where I stand now. Aku redha dengan kehendakMu…

My point is that I still wish to thank him for bringing love back into my heart. Though the end result was not what i had expected, I am more grateful for the process. Along the way, I have learned quite a few things:

You can never truly say that you were in love unless your heart had been broken before.

You don’t have to be with that person in order to love him.

You should never build false hopes and gilded promises if you don’t intend to fulfil them.

Jealousy is a green-eyed monster only when you feed it with paranoia, distrust and inconceivable imagination.

Live for the present because the future might turn out to be unthinkable.

Work out your past in order to enjoy the present and shape the future (yes my dears, the past does affect our lives).

It takes two pairs of hands to build a relationship.

Friendship is the foundation of a strong relationship.

Trust, commitment and care are the pillars of a relationship.

Discuss, do not argue when you have problems.

A loud voice does not mean that you will win the argument.

Reflect on our own mistakes before judging others.

Don’t listen to an outside party, use your own judgment.

You will get fever after a heartbreak (it’s true, it’s called lovesick).

Always say "I love you" because you might never have a chance to say it again.

Always trust in the Almighty and know that He knows best.

Crying will make your eyes swollen, praying will make your heart stronger.

The last lesson that I’ve learned through this bittersweet experience is…

Don’t Ever Give Up On Love…because it’s just too precious to lose.

To my sisters, I wish to apologize for failing to acknowledge your advice these few months. I thank you beautiful ones for being there for me when I needed a shoulder to cry on. You never gave up on me even when I had given up on myself. You made me realize that life is too sacred to waste. You were the hands that supported me when I was weak. Mel, Azfar & Khai…I am most fortunate to have you guys in my life.

To Ashraf, I wish to thank you for being that comforting soul that you are. You picked me up when I was down. You lifted me when I was kissing the ground. You are like a cousin to us sisters 4. Any girl who becomes your soulmate is the luckiest person on earth, truly.

To _______, I know that our journey ends here and I have truly enjoyed spending the last few months with you. I know that it is time for me to move on and although my steps are heavy, it is something that I must do. Thank you for restoring my faith in love. I apologize if I have caused you any inconvenience whatsoever during our dalliance. Even though I waited for 9 years before someone like you came along to open up my heart again, you were well worth the wait. Although there is no animosity on my part, bereavement will accompany me as I transcend to the next chapter in my life. Deep in my heart, there will always be a place for you and once again, thank you.

I am dying inside and I have no one to turn to. It hurts to talk and it hurts to breathe. To the outside world, I project a cool, confident countenance as a farce to hide the pain in my heart. My pillow and my laptop are the only witnessess to the intense bereavement I feel deep inside.

I always thought that getting over someone is as simple as getting drunk and getting laid by a stranger at a club (figuratively speaking). Guess I was wrong. It’s been a week and I still can’t get over that someone even though I tried. The pain of love lost deepens because I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried everything, from homeopathy to spiritual meditation. Even to the extent of crying my eyes out but to no avail. The myriad of techniques that I adopted just reminded me of him. When I did my breathing techniques, I remembered how he used to emulate a scene from "White Chicks" where the person ran and inhaled deeply. When I tried listening to songs, I was constantly reminded of his passion for singing. Everything I do still reminds me of him.

I tell everyone that I am over him. I tell the world that I am ready to mingle and flirt. I tell mankind that I am ready to be my promiscuous self again. However, these are all falsehoods. I still cannot forget him and I don’t think I can. I think of how happy I was when I’m with him. I think of how he made me laugh. I think about the stories we used to concoct just for the fun of it. I think of all those promises I made that I will always be there for him. I think of those faux falls he used to do just to annoy me.

We may have spent just a few months together but during those two months, I have known nothing except for bliss and euphoria. I look back on those times and I wish that I could relive them all over again. I just want nothing more than to have him in my life again.

Many will say that I am stupid and foolish to wish for something I could never have. Maybe I am. After all, only a person in love will do foolish things. It’s just that, I’ve always dreamed of being with him more than a year ago, when the seeds of attraction were planted in my heart. I’ve waited more than a year for him and this is the reward that I’m reaping. To know that our journey together has ended. To revel in the fact that we will never cross paths again. To live with the trauma of knowing that I will never get to spend the next few years of my life with him.

Maybe all I need is more time. Perhaps the old adage that time heals all wounds may prove to be right. For now, all I have to accompany me through those nights are memories of the happy times when I was with him. I just wish that I could turn back time so that I can control that green-eyed monster in me. If I had done that, perhaps we would still be close, having a few laughs and talking about frivolous topics whilst downing our fruit-flavored iced teas along the canal at WP.

I miss those times and most of all…I miss you…

I got this e-mail from one of my "sisters" and I found it absolutely touching and romantic. To whomever that wrote this story, please send me an e-mail at sindel69@hotmail.com so that I can acknowledge your work in my blog.

The story goes:

Message: can any message be more touching than this?

Daniel: I guess we are the left overs in this world.

Jasmine: I think so.. All of my friends have boyfriends & we are the only 2 persons
left in this world without any special someone in our lives.

Daniel: Yup! I don’t know what to do.

Jasmine: I know! We’ll play a game.

Daniel: What game?

Jasmine: I’ll be your girlfriend for 30 days & you will be my boyfriend.

Daniel: That’s a great plan in fact, I don’t have anything to do for the following weeks..

DAY 1:

They watched their first movie together & were both touched in the
romantic film.

DAY 4:

They went to the beach & had a picnic… Daniel & Jasmine had their quality time together.

DAY 12:

Daniel invited Jasmine to a circus and they went to a Horror House.. Jasmine was scared and she tried to touch Daniel’s hand but by accident she touched
someone else’s and they both laughed..

DAY 14:

They saw a fortune teller down the road and asked for their future. The fortune teller said: "My darlings, please don’t waste the time of your lives… spend your time together happily." Then tears flow from the teller’s eyes.

DAY 20:

Jasmine invited Daniel to go to the hill and they saw a meteor…
Jasmine mumbled something.

DAY 28:

They rode on a bus and because of the bumpy road, Jasmine gave her
first kiss to Daniel by accident.

DAY 29: 11:37 pm

Daniel & Jasmine were sitting in the park where they first decided
to play this game…

Daniel: I’m tired Jasmine… do you want any drinks? I’ll buy you
one.. I’ll just go down the road..

Jasmine: Apple juice would be fine,thanks.

Daniel: Wait for me…

20 minutes later… a stranger  approached Jasmine.

Stranger: Are you a friend of Daniel?

Jasmine: Yes, why? What happened?

Stranger: A reckless drunken driver ran over Daniel & he is critical in the hospital.

11:57pm

The doctor came out from the emergency room & handed out an apple
juice & a letter to Jasmine.

Doctor: We found this in Daniel’s pocket.
Jasmine read the letter which says:

Jasmine, this past few days, I realized you are really a cute girl & I am falling for you.. your cherished smile, your everything when we played this game.. & before this game ends, I would like you to be my girlfriend for the rest of my life. I love you, Jasmine…

Jasmine crumples the paper & shouted..

"Daniel! I don’t want you to die…I love you… Remember that night we saw a meteor? I mumbled something.. I wished that we would be together forever & never end this game. Please don’t leave me, Daniel… I love you, you cannot do this to me

Then the clock strikes 12

Daniel’s heart stop pumping…

THEN IT WAS THE 30th DAY…

Always love your loved ones & show them how you feel before it’s too late.. You will never know when they will be gone from your embrace.. If you were given a time to bestow petals of everlasting compassion & love to your love ones, today is the day. Love them while they are still here…

That was the story and I cry everytime I read it. This story is telling us to be more appreciative of the one we love because you may never get to love that person again. So the next message is for that special someone in my life whom I’ve known and cherished:

I admit that my jealousy is overwhelming you and is making you repugnant towards me. However, you have to know something. No matter how strong my jealousy is, my love for you is a million times stronger. I don’t care what people might say and I certainly don’t care if the world is out to get us. All I know is that the safest place for me is right beside you in your arms and my heaven on earth is your embrace. Not being able to see you is killing me. It hurts to talk and it hurts to breathe when I don’t see your face. I’ve always thought that love was a fantasy until I met you. You are the embodiment of love and I thank the heavens for bringing you into my life. Although we’ve had our fights, I still want to be with you regardless of circumstances. In this hour and in this time, I wish to say that I love you and I always will…

It is a rarity for me to create blogs simply because I do not know what to write. Although, it looks as if some people get a kick out of publicizing their bereavement and unsurpassed debacle. Oh well, I am not here to judge and for what it’s worth, I feel that writing in one’s own blog can be quite therapeutic.

As with all my previous blogs, this one is also about love. Unlike that angst-ridden , acrimonious individual that scripted the first blog, I have deliberated on this topic since then and my perception has changed. While I still maintain that love can be bitter and hurtful, it need not be as such. How many of you out there believe that to love somebody you need to be with him everytime? How many of you believe that love entails keeping two people as close as possible? I used to think that way too. Not anymore.

You see, I have this major crush (it is more of uncontrolled, irrepressible, unbridled passion) on this person, N. The problem is I seldom see him and when I do, its only for a few hours because we don’t work together and we don’t live in close proximity. We only meet during our extra-curricular activity (for all those whose minds are burning with uncensored sexual innuendoes, I am talking about theatre and dance training). I used to get all worked up and anal (still do sometimes) whenever he goes back because I felt that I did not get to spend enough time with him. I used to think that if I don’t get to see him, he won’t reciprocate my love.

Last week, we had an Iftar gathering. I arrived an hour late. To make things worse, I had to be the host for that event. Can you imagine the pain of seeing that person you like sitting across the room in plain sight? All you want to do is to tell him he looks hot in that leather jacket but ceremonial obligations forbid you to. You watch him from the corner of your eye, willing him to look at you. You crack jokes to entertain the masses but none of them are cognizant of the wild feelings rushing through your mind. Torn between my love for entertaining and him, I was a cognitive hazard. After the event was over, I thought that I could spend some time with him. Barely after I tucked into my meal, he came over to tell me he was going home! Oh the pain and anguish!!! The horrible gut-wrenching feeling in my stomach!!! Caught up in my own emotion, I could barely gather enough strength to smile on him and say goodbye. I was dying inside!!! I was affected by the aftermath. Every joke that I made was stale, my laughter was forced and things got so bad my body reacted; I heaved out everything I ate (yes people, love does these things).

I got home thinking I will see him again tomorrow but that wasn’t going to happen. He didn’t turn up for training the next day and I have to bear for another 7 days before I can see him again. That got me thinking. Was I going to be hysterical and neurotic everytime I don’t see him? Is it appropriate for me to behave in an outlandish manner just because I don’t get to spend time with him? NO!

I will not succumb to these feelings of ill-attachment and paranoia. I may not get to see him but my feelings for him will tide me over. He may be far away from me, but his stunning vision in my semantics will suffice. I may not hear his voice but memories of him and me is more than enough to compensate. All I know is that, the less I see him, the stronger my feelings. The less I see him, the more protective I become. And the less I see him, I am beginning to understand how altruistic love can be.

You meet a person for the first time and you become friends. You join the same groups, hang out with the same friends and basically you make each other laugh. As time goes by, you develop feelings for the other person. You try to hide but you fail. You tease that person, hoping he will get it. You talk to your friends and they tell you to plunge. But you are afraid. Afraid of rejection, or unrequited love. You are afraid that all this while you have been steering the ship alone. Afraid that he has got someone in his heart. You can’t help but feel that you are just a friend to him. Has this ever happen to you? It is happening to me right now. I love this guy so much and so intensely but I am afraid of telling him to his face. I realize that I am being foolish but when it comes to love, I am a wimp. He is so cute and handsome and knows how to make me laugh and says all kinds of wonderfully weird stuff. I just don’t know what to do. What if he rejects me? I hope that we can remain friends but will he want to? Am I setting myself up for another  rejection? I’ve never had a serious relationship before and I’ve always wondered what that’s like. My past relationships have all centred on my sexual prowess, my Jezebel quality. You know something…there is nothing fun about it. It is just mindless, meaningless animal sex. I wonder what it would feel like to have a man who will care for me and cherish me and spoil me. A man who makes me feel like the drag queen that I am. A man who will go with me on long walks by the beach. A man who will surprise me on my birthday. A man who will marry me (when its legal) on top of a cliff at Barbados in front of a castle at sunset. You know what? I am going to go and cry my eyes out because this is too much. Whoever you are, wherever you might be, please rescue this drag queen from the pits of melancholic depression…

Can anyone out there answer this question: Why does it feel that everytime we find someone, there’s always something wrong with that person? It’s either they are already attached, or too young, or just not interested. Is there really such a thing as karma? If so, why is my karma so bad that I’ve not had a serious relationship for the past…God knows, thousand years of my life… I admit that I treasure my friends more than my boyfriends, but there’s always that tiny little spot in my heart that will always be reserved for that special someone (actually, that special someone whom I’ve waited for over 9 years rejected my friendster invite so that spot has become a sucking void now). I yearn for a boyfriend not to look cool or to feel belonged (honey, I feel more belonged grooming monkeys with my tongue); I want a boyfriend to share my special moments with. My first kiss (or is it the 100th kiss?), my first romantic dance, and other more erotic stuff. Why is looking for love harder than searching for cranium in a sun-baked valley? Why can’t I just find someone I can spend the rest of my life with? It hurts to talk, it hurts to breathe…